Clients often mean ALL kinds of things when they say they have “problems communicating”. But one thing it can be very useful to help them sort out is; what “level” are they communicating at? I describe 3 levels to my clients: 1. CONTENT level – we are having a discussion about whether we should try … Read more
In talking with clients, have you ever noticed people describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or “demanding”? They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc. Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need you” is generally offered up in a movie or book as the … Read more
Esther Perel recently published a new book called “The State of Affairs” which both Paula and I think is great and recommend highly. It’s got both of us thinking about how we work with infidelity and this is the first of a series of blogs on the topic – something of a warmup for our … Read more
Paula is off at the Couple’s Conference this week (see our earlier blog if you don’t know what that is) so I thought it was a good time for me (Nic) to confess. Sometimes I do bad therapy – I make mistakes and do things that are not good for the client. Yet I am frequently … Read more
In the second of two blogs reporting on Ellyn Bader’s recent therapist workshop on Confrontation, Paula offers an in-depth and advanced exploration of a very common issue for couples: In the workshop Ellyn showed us how to skilfully challenge subtle (and not so subtle) patterns of symbiotic regression which prevent couples from continuing relational development. She … Read more
Recently Dr Ellyn Bader presented an online therapist workshop on Confrontation. In this she described “the how, the when and the what” of using confrontation skilfully in couple therapy. Here’s Paula’s report on the training Essentially the technique (or HOW) of therapeutic confrontation involves being able to help each partner see which specific aspect of … Read more
We are fond of telling our clients that they way we destroy our relationships is that “we protect ourselves out of them”. When we can’t find a way to soothe our own hurts and settle our feelings, we remain reactive, aroused, defensive, guarded, shut down and withdrawn. When we feel threatened we are far more … Read more
Have you ever been sitting in the room with a couple and they are both looking at YOU to take charge of their relationship. Their lack of motivation for creating change seems to suck the air out of the room. While there may be a role for the therapist to take charge right at the … Read more
As I journeyed through my career as a psychologist working with relationships I struggled to find ongoing professional development targeted specifically to this client group. I ventured locally, nationally and even internationally to find conferences, workshops and online training that could enhance my work. I was hungry to find a community of like minded … Read more
Recently Nic and I had the pleasure of holding the first Australasian Training for the Developmental Model here in Auckland. We had a heart-warming response to this inaugural “event”. As we reflected on the experience, it drew to mind the importance of the first session; that unique opportunity to make a significant connection with and … Read more