Separating Explanation From Justification

couple with heads in hands

Hopefully, your clients are familiar with the notion that when we act on our self-protective impulses, we invariably behave in ways that are damaging to our relationship.  That’s why in the DM we call these “ineffective self-protective behaviours”.  We all have them and will do them reflexively when feeling threatened in some way.  When I … Read more

Getting past “I don’t know”

Wheel diagram of emotions

In our culture, many people, especially those raised male, have been given little training in making sense of or talking about their internal experience. Indeed, many were actively punished for showing emotions or expressing uncertainty, doubt etc. Shamed for their normal, human vulnerabilities they have understandably developed an aversion to talking about their feelings and … Read more

Where most couples get stuck

 The Developmental Model outlines 5 stages that people grow through in the course of a long-term relationship The secong of these stages is “Differentiating” and this is the place that so many of our clients are stuck at.  They cling on, unconsciously but desperately, to the fantasy of fusion, of “the two becoming one”, and … Read more

A tip to aid connection when working online

Dear colleagues We know the therapeutic relationship is at the heart of our effectiveness. Yet when working via video conference, it can be hard maintaining a strong sense of connection with your clients.  Here’s a tip from my misspent youth that night help… When I was an actor working in theatres I was taught that … Read more

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN CLIENTS SAY “WE CAN’T COMMUNICATE”?

SUPPORTING TRANSFORMATION FROM A SILENT DANCE TO AN HONEST ASK Experienced couple therapists know that “communication problems” are almost never the real problem.  Formulating within the Developmental Model allows us to identify where each partner is held up in their relational development.  People who say “we can’t communicate” are often holding onto lifelong symbiotic fantasies … Read more

The “Big Three” Relationship Skills

The “Big Three” Fundamental Relationship Skills PART 1 Many of our clients have had limited opportunities to experience healthy relating directly as they were growing up.  Their role models were absent, ineffective or abusive.  As a result they are at a genuine loss to know what to do when trying to form or be present … Read more