As relationship therapists, we strive to be even-handed and explore each partner’s contribution to the dynamics and difficulties that affect their relationship. However, when it comes to dealing with infidelity, I would argue that those rules don’t work very well. At least initially, it’s essential that the therapy is more focused on one person than … Read more
In the Developmental Model we use a deceptively simple tool called the Paper Exercise to help assess the developmental level of clients. Using a “projective” technique, we deliberately set up a conflict between a couple and observe how they deal with it. Although it’s an artificial situation we set up, it’s usually a pretty good … Read more
When you take a history, especially when you enquire into someone’s childhood experiences, it’s important not to get too caught up in the events. As therapists, we are not so much interested in what happened but in what meaning the person, the child, made of the events. Imagine your client says, “Mum was very strict, … Read more
We all have blind spots, and, for some of us, one of our blind spots is the inability to acknowledge having blind spots. In my spiel in the first session explaining to my clients what therapy is going to be like, I sometimes say something like this: “All therapy, whether individual or couple therapy, is … Read more
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vulnerable as ‘capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage’. Understandably, many of us work hard to avoid being vulnerable. Why would you want to leave yourself open to being wounded or attacked? Clients will choose to make themselves vulnerable if they believe that the rewards are … Read more
Hopefully, your clients are familiar with the notion that when we act on our self-protective impulses, we invariably behave in ways that are damaging to our relationship. That’s why in the DM we call these “ineffective self-protective behaviours”. We all have them and will do them reflexively when feeling threatened in some way. When I … Read more
I was talking with a colleague about how cut off from their feelings we train our boys to be. She was talking about a woman who, in session, told her male partner “I don’t want a sissy” when he was being vulnerable. In childhood, many boys will have the experience that if they show emotions … Read more
In the current climate there are few divisions as sharp as between those who believe vaccination is the only hope for humanity and those who are more concerned about the health risks that vaccination itself poses. SO what happens in a relationship when people are in opposing camps? I recently worked with a hetero couple … Read more
In our culture, many people, especially those raised male, have been given little training in making sense of or talking about their internal experience. Indeed, many were actively punished for showing emotions or expressing uncertainty, doubt etc. Shamed for their normal, human vulnerabilities they have understandably developed an aversion to talking about their feelings and … Read more
Adult attachment is different from infant attachment. We need to learn how to balance dependence and autonomy.