communication

When clients don’t want to know… about their core insecurities

by
Couple both with fingers in their ears

In my last blog I stressed the importance of focusing on the meanings people make of the formative events in their upbringing.  The meanings that their child-brain make of their experiences is what forms someone’s core insecurities (a.k.a. shame, core negative beliefs, old stories, ….).  And those insecurities are the origin of most of our … Read more

The power of the “Paper Exercise”

by

In the Developmental Model we use a deceptively simple tool called the Paper Exercise to help assess the developmental level of clients.  Using a “projective” technique, we deliberately set up a conflict between a couple and observe how they deal with it.  Although it’s an artificial situation we set up, it’s usually a pretty good … Read more

Feeling vulnerable vs being vulnerable

by

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vulnerable as ‘capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage’. Understandably, many of us work hard to avoid being vulnerable. Why would you want to leave yourself open to being wounded or attacked? Clients will choose to make themselves vulnerable if they believe that the rewards are … Read more

Separating Explanation From Justification

by
couple with heads in hands

Hopefully, your clients are familiar with the notion that when we act on our self-protective impulses, we invariably behave in ways that are damaging to our relationship.  That’s why in the DM we call these “ineffective self-protective behaviours”.  We all have them and will do them reflexively when feeling threatened in some way.  When I … Read more