In my last blog I stressed the importance of focusing on the meanings people make of the formative events in their upbringing. The meanings that their child-brain make of their experiences is what forms someone’s core insecurities (a.k.a. shame, core negative beliefs, old stories, ….). And those insecurities are the origin of most of our client’s relationship-destructive behaviour (defences, reactivity, adapted child…) .
As such, I believe it is essential our clients are consciously aware of those insecurities and the behaviour they drive. Failure to get clients to make that connection leaves them looking in the wrong places for solutions – either blaming their partner or collapsing into shame and self-blame – neither of which will solve their relationship issues.
Since writing that blog, I have had many conversations with colleagues discussing how hard it is to accurately identify core insecurities, especially when clients are reluctant to accept the impact of their upbringing on their present-day behaviour. Where their answers to my final four questions in the previous blog are superficial or dismissive. Many clients seem offended or contemptuous if you suggest they are still being affected by less-than-ideal circumstances in their childhood (probably as sign they feel ashamed or exposed by your suggestion).
Their tone and manner suggests they regard still being under the influence of childhood events as a moral failing rather than an inevitable truth of the human condition. Ironically, this is often a reflection of, or result of, the kinds of core insecurities their upbringing created. The strong emotional reaction they are having is probably rooted in exactly the shame that you are trying to get them to track (and that is causing difficulty in their relationships). There is often also a sense that being open to the idea that their childhood was anything less than “fine”, “normal” or “good” is being unappreciative and disloyal to their parents or family.
Reflecting on those conversations, I realised I have a four-pronged approach to clients like this
- Psychoeducation about the neuroscience of the developing brain (esp pre-adolescence), emphasising how self-centred kid’s minds are because of their cognitive limitations
- Exploration of their childhood with me highlighting how seemingly unimportant or “normal” events might have had more impact than they realise. Showing them how the theoretical concepts I have discussed in #1 might have played out in practice in their life. Sometimes this is done in the face of great scepticism from clients (often hiding their fear of exposure). But I am setting the scene for…
- Stressing the reflexive ways they are protecting themselves in the present (ineffective self-protective behaviour) and demonstrating how those behaviours were adaptive in the context of their upbringing but are damaging to their current relationship(s).
- Accompanying this all the way through is an emphasis on self-compassion. Clients need to understand that, while they are responsible for their behaviour as adults, they were NOT responsible for the events that shaped them in childhood. That when we recognise that we are reflexively doing unhelpful things, the useful response is to be kind to ourselves and try and attend with love to the parts of ourselves that are still hurting because of what we came to fear all those decades ago.
I think the key is persisting in showing them how this way of understanding themselves opens up new possibilities for changing things. How being vulnerable instead of shut down draws their partner closer. How being assertive instead of appeasing allows their partner to become more attuned to them.
Many people will not easily follow your lead – you will have to be tenacious and back your knowledge and experience. A lot of clients equate self-compassion with self-indulgence and vulnerability with weakness. Others have been trained to blame themselves and take responsibility for things that are not their fault. Those clients need help in understanding where they learned such unkind and self-destructive beliefs. It’s vital that we don’t let those beliefs stand unchallenged in our therapy.
It is a situation where we need to lead, not follow, our clients. To have the confidence that, in this respect, we therapists see more broadly and deeply than they do, because their core insecurities blind them to seeing their true worth. Hence, our perspective is much more likely to give them hope and a path towards achieving the intimate relationship they crave.