So many clients are invested in seeing their childhood as “normal”. This is especially true of clients whose upbringing encouraged the denial or repression of inconvenient feelings. Yet if we are to help them, especially with their adult attachment relationships, our core task is helping them recognise and stop projections of childhood assumptions & coping … Read more
As relationship therapists, we strive to be even-handed and explore each partner’s contribution to the dynamics and difficulties that affect their relationship. However, when it comes to dealing with infidelity, I would argue that those rules don’t work very well. At least initially, it’s essential that the therapy is more focused on one person than … Read more
In the Developmental Model we use a deceptively simple tool called the Paper Exercise to help assess the developmental level of clients. Using a “projective” technique, we deliberately set up a conflict between a couple and observe how they deal with it. Although it’s an artificial situation we set up, it’s usually a pretty good … Read more
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vulnerable as ‘capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage’. Understandably, many of us work hard to avoid being vulnerable. Why would you want to leave yourself open to being wounded or attacked? Clients will choose to make themselves vulnerable if they believe that the rewards are … Read more
Hopefully, your clients are familiar with the notion that when we act on our self-protective impulses, we invariably behave in ways that are damaging to our relationship. That’s why in the DM we call these “ineffective self-protective behaviours”. We all have them and will do them reflexively when feeling threatened in some way. When I … Read more
I was talking with a colleague about how cut off from their feelings we train our boys to be. She was talking about a woman who, in session, told her male partner “I don’t want a sissy” when he was being vulnerable. In childhood, many boys will have the experience that if they show emotions … Read more
In the current climate there are few divisions as sharp as between those who believe vaccination is the only hope for humanity and those who are more concerned about the health risks that vaccination itself poses. SO what happens in a relationship when people are in opposing camps? I recently worked with a hetero couple … Read more
The Developmental Model outlines 5 stages that people grow through in the course of a long-term relationship The secong of these stages is “Differentiating” and this is the place that so many of our clients are stuck at. They cling on, unconsciously but desperately, to the fantasy of fusion, of “the two becoming one”, and … Read more
Esther Perel recently published a new book called “The State of Affairs” which both Paula and I think is great and recommend highly. It’s got both of us thinking about how we work with infidelity and this is the first of a series of blogs on the topic – something of a warmup for our … Read more
You can hear them arguing in the waiting room before you set eyes on them. Sometimes they just blindly continue their fighting as they walk through your door and take a seat, without even stopping to say hello. This kind of scenario puts a lot of people off working with couples. And those fears are … Read more